Friday 12th May
I feel like I might have turned a corner. Or maybe this is
just a random good day thrown in to the mix for good measure. Either way, I’ll
take it!
Last night, I didn’t sleep at all. I had taken sleeping
pills on each of the three nights before, so wanted to try a night without them
on the advice of my doctor. It didn’t work. I was still lying in bed at 4am, so
I gave up, lay on the couch and I’ve been up since then. Normally, this would
leave me exhausted, but weirdly, I have more energy today than I’ve had all
week. I’m still tired, and still finding things a struggle, but today has
definitely been a better day than yesterday, when I was feeling really
hopeless.
I thought after two weeks on this medication, I’d be feeling
fine and that the side effects would have worn off. But it doesn’t look like
that’s going to happen, which realistically means more time off work. This
makes me really sad, because I love my job and my work colleagues, and I just
want to get back to normality. But I know I couldn’t possibly focus on work at
the moment feeling like this, so I just need to concentrate on getting myself
well again.
I’ve found a psychotherapist that I think might be able to
help me. I have tried counselling before (three different counsellors in fact)
and while they were happy to teach me coping mechanisms that I do use, none of
them seemed willing or enthusiastic about helping me get to the root of my
issues. I fear if I don’t figure out what’s causing my anxiety, it will never
leave me. So I’m trying therapy again, which I’ve always felt a bit weird and
sceptical about, but at this point, I really am willing to give anything a go.
This is the last ‘live’ blog I’m going to write. My latest
episode of crippling anxiety coincided with Mental Health Awareness week and I
hoped that by writing about this, I might have helped someone else feel a
little bit more normal. While the feelings I’m experiencing are anything but
normal, I know we need to normalise this condition, so people aren’t afraid to
speak up.
A lot of people have told me I’m brave for writing this
blog. I’m not brave. I’m just one of the 1 in 4 people who experience a mental
health problem in any given year*. Someone you know is probably suffering right
now. If I broke a bone, no one would call me brave. And yet because it’s my
mind that’s broken, I’m brave for talking about it. That’s just madness. Anyone
should be able to speak about their mental health at any time without stigma or
prejudice. Sadly, as a society, I don’t think we’re quite there yet, but I hope
that we’re well on the way.
And as for me, well, I’m not okay. But I will be.
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