Live blogging my anxiety (part 5)

Friday 12^th May

I feel like I might have turned a corner. Or maybe this is just a random good day thrown in to the mix for good measure. Either way, I’ll take it!

Last night, I didn’t sleep at all. I had taken sleeping pills on each of the three nights before, so wanted to try a night without them on the advice of my doctor. It didn’t work. I was still lying in bed at 4am, so I gave up, lay on the couch and I’ve been up since then. Normally, this would leave me exhausted, but weirdly, I have more energy today than I’ve had all week. I’m still tired, and still finding things a struggle, but today has definitely been a better day than yesterday, when I was feeling really hopeless.

 

I thought after two weeks on this medication, I’d be feeling fine and that the side effects would have worn off. But it doesn’t look like that’s going to happen, which realistically means more time off work. This makes me really sad, because I love my job and my work colleagues, and I just want to get back to normality. But I know I couldn’t possibly focus on work at the moment feeling like this, so I just need to concentrate on getting myself well again.

I’ve found a psychotherapist that I think might be able to help me. I have tried counselling before (three different counsellors in fact) and while they were happy to teach me coping mechanisms that I do use, none of them seemed willing or enthusiastic about helping me get to the root of my issues. I fear if I don’t figure out what’s causing my anxiety, it will never leave me. So I’m trying therapy again, which I’ve always felt a bit weird and sceptical about, but at this point, I really am willing to give anything a go.

This is the last ‘live’ blog I’m going to write. My latest episode of crippling anxiety coincided with Mental Health Awareness week and I hoped that by writing about this, I might have helped someone else feel a little bit more normal. While the feelings I’m experiencing are anything but normal, I know we need to normalise this condition, so people aren’t afraid to speak up.

A lot of people have told me I’m brave for writing this blog. I’m not brave. I’m just one of the 1 in 4 people who experience a mental health problem in any given year*. Someone you know is probably suffering right now. If I broke a bone, no one would call me brave. And yet because it’s my mind that’s broken, I’m brave for talking about it. That’s just madness. Anyone should be able to speak about their mental health at any time without stigma or prejudice. Sadly, as a society, I don’t think we’re quite there yet, but I hope that we’re well on the way.

And as for me, well, I’m not okay. But I will be.

*https://www.time-to-change.org.uk/mental-health-statistics-facts

Live blogging my anxiety (part 4)

Thursday 11^th May

Just when I thought I was getting better, things have gotten a whole lot worse. I woke up this morning with my heart absolutely racing. Despite sleeping well for the last few nights, I am exhausted. I barely have the energy to get up and down the stairs. I tried to sit outside in the garden today and read a magazine but lasted about 15mins. I can’t focus on anything. I think the depression has set in now. I feel so numb.

I am frustrated because I desperately want to get better but I don’t know how and I can’t seem to find anyone that can help me. The medication is making me feel so shit that I don’t know whether it’s worth it. I barely recognise myself. I think about the person I used to be and it makes me so sad. This condition is affecting every part of my life – my work, my marriage, my friendships, my health. I don’t know what to do.

Sorry, short entry today. Feeling too tired and hopeless for this.

Ps I didn’t make the dentist. 

Live blogging my anxiety (part 3)

Wednesday 10^th May

Today was a better day. I had another good sleep last night so the exhaustion has lifted, although I am still feeling ridiculously lethargic all the time, and everything seems like such an effort.

My cleaner came today and I just couldn’t face making small talk with them so I went out for a coffee. I also knew I’d have to explain why I was off work. It seems silly when I’m putting it out there to the world in a blog, but I didn’t want to admit what was wrong with me. Last week, I said I had a cold. I am still very much ashamed of being plagued with this condition. Being off ill for a physical reason seems so much more socially acceptable. There is still too much stigma surrounding mental illness, and you never know how people will react, which is partly why I’m writing this blog.

So I managed along to Costa and I enjoyed being out of the house. I did start to feel really anxious again after about half an hour. I started to get that horrible skin crawling feeling when I can almost feel the adrenaline pulsing through my veins. I knew exercise would help, so I went outside, and just kept walking. I walked for a few miles and it helped me immensely and really lifted my mood all afternoon. I know exercise is the key, but finding the motivation and energy to actually get exercising is difficult.

I have a dentist appointment tomorrow where I will possibly need a filling, and I haven’t decided if I’m going to go yet. Anyone who knows we will know that I used to have a serious dentist phobia, and although I’ve largely conquered it, I’m not sure that kind of pressure is what I need at the moment. I’m going to see how I feel in the morning.

I’m just taking each day at a time, as I never know from one day to the next how I’m going to feel. I think the meds must be kicking in now. I’ve had a few hours of normality today. I’ve laughed, I’ve cried, my mind feels a little clearer. But overshadowing it all is this black cloud that threatens to rain on me at any given moment, and that frightens me so much.

Live blogging my anxiety (part 2)

Tuesday 9^th May

I slept for 8 hours last night, uninterrupted. Halleluiah! (And thank goodness for sleeping pills.) So I’m a little bit disappointed at how shit I feel today. I thought sleep was the answer, but I was probably naive to think it was a miracle cure.

I feel agitated today. So agitated. I’m fidgeting constantly. My legs are sore from the constant bobbing up and down. My whole body feels tense and aching. I have a headache that I’m terrified might turn into a migraine.

I’m irritable. Everything is annoying me and I can tell I’m not a fun person to be around at the moment, so it’s just easier to be alone with my thoughts. I’m finding making the smallest of decisions almost impossible. It took me almost an hour this afternoon to choose something to watch on Netflix. Basic choices feel like mammoth life decisions.

I did manage to go to my mindfulness class tonight. I enjoyed listening to the talk. It’s always reassuring to know there might be someone else in the room that feels even crappier than me (not that I would wish these feelings on anyone.) But I couldn’t concentrate on the meditation at all. I felt too groggy to be mindful. It’s pretty hard to acknowledge your thoughts when they don’t make any sense.

Maybe tomorrow will make more sense. Until then…

Live blogging my anxiety (part 1)

Monday 8^th May

I had to phone in sick to work today. My boss asked me if it was something at work that was bothering me. Other people have asked me similar questions. Most people don’t understand that nothing is bothering me, and yet somehow, everything is. I have generalised anxiety disorder, and feel irritated and agitated not by specific things in my life, but just by life itself.

I haven’t slept properly for a week. I started a new medication last Tuesday. That night, I literally didn’t sleep a wink. And each night since hasn’t been much better. Last night I managed four hours, which was a good night. Insomnia is crippling me but I know it’s caused by the medication for my anxiety, and that anxiety crippled me more. The medication helped me before and I know if I can just get some sleep, it will help me again. So it’s a straight choice between extreme fatigue or major anxiety.

I go back to the doctor. She gives me sleeping pills and sedatives. I’m signed off work for a week. Deemed ‘unfit’ to do my job. I feel a bit like a useless junkie, and also feel sad that it’s come to this again.

I go out for a walk at lunchtime with Neil to cash my prescription and buy some birthday cards. It’s sunny today and being out of the house sometimes lifts my mood. While we’re out, we grab some lunch, and I almost feel normal for a while. And then I feel guilty for feeling normal. What if someone from work sees me and thinks I’m making it up? What if they don’t believe me or think I’m not ill enough to be off? The anxious feelings return and I start to feel the horrible feeling of disassociation from my body. My surroundings don’t feel real. I am in a dreamlike bubble.

My afternoon is better than my morning. Mornings and evenings are the worst, but the bit in the middle is usually manageable. I do some hoovering and tidy up. I suddenly notice how shit the house looks. I’d never let it get this bad when I’m well, but when I’m ill, I don’t have the energy to function, let alone hoover. I’ve never felt exhaustion like this before. My brain and body are struggling to cope.

My neighbour appears at the door with flowers, prosecco and a card. A random act of kindness, and I am an emotional wreck, but incredibly grateful. I vow to pay it forward when I feel well enough to do something nice for someone else. It’s really lifted my mood and I’m hopeful that if I can just get a bit more sleep tonight, tomorrow will be a brighter day.

More tomorrow…