Trigger Happy

Last night after a productive but eventful day, I started to feel that familiar sense of foreboding. I knew the anxiety was coming, and for once, I knew why. Coffee. I had made the mistake of spending an hour in Costa. As I sipped on my skinny caramel latte, I knew there would probably be payback, but it was so tasty and felt like such a treat, so I kept drinking.

Identifying anxiety triggers is something that I’ve only recently began to contend with. In the past, I’ve always believed that my anxiety came from nowhere, it usually hit me from out of the blue and I could never really pinpoint why. A few weeks ago, my therapist suggested I start keeping a mood diary. It was such a simple idea and yet I’d never thought of it before.

Every day for 2 weeks, I jotted down every time I felt anxious, how strong the feelings were, what I was doing at the time, and any thoughts I could remembering having. Initially, I wasn’t convinced that it was helpful, but as time went on, I did begin to see patterns emerging.

Coffee was a straightforward enough trigger to deal with. I had never been a huge coffee drinker – it had always given me the shakes – and so it was fairly easy to limit this. But some triggers, such as vivid dreams, were much harder to eliminate.

It took me a while to realise that criticism, or more commonly, fear of criticism, brought on my anxiety and yet, it had been staring me straight in the face for so long. I have always been an over thinker and a catasrophiser, but I’d never been able to joint up the dots. I would go over and over conversations in my head, wondering if I could have said something differently. I would shy away from social situations, afraid of behaving inappropriately or saying the wrong thing. I would write the same WhatsApp message over and over and then end up not sending anything because it was just easier to not risk sounding silly or upsetting someone. I had (and still have) horrifically low self-esteem.

It’s not the easiest thing to admit to yourself and I’m sure to some it sounds incredibly self-absorbed. For years, I’ve been scared of truly being myself and that’s probably resulted in me coming across as quite standoffish at times. What I thought was shielding me from pain and rejection was actually hindering my friendships.  But it is something that I can address, and I’m working really hard to change my ways of thinking (that’s probably a blog for another day though.)

If you’re struggling to figure out what makes you anxious, I would strongly recommending keeping a record of your mood. And maybe stay away from those caramel lattes too! 

Going back to work

So after a rocky few weeks (probably longer if I’m honest,) I finally went back to work last Monday after five weeks off sick. This is the second time I have returned to work after a prolonged period of absence. Last year I was off for seven weeks, with a six week phased return. One of the things that’s been really difficult for me this time, was knowing when it was the right time to go back.

Last year, when I returned to work, I was so ready for it. I just knew it was the right time. I felt so much better within myself and I felt ready to share my story with others. I emailed my colleagues to tell them why I had been off. It was the first time that most of them had realised that I struggled with my mental health. I wanted to be open and honest with them, and I felt confident enough to organise a session for mental health awareness week, where I shared me story and how mindfulness had helped me. I was very frank and didn’t hide any of the gory details.

This time felt different. Being off for a second time had completely shattered my confidence. I tried to get up and go to work one day (I think it was after three weeks off) and I just fell apart. I was shaking, my heart was racing and I had awful chest pain. I wasn’t ready. I was so scared of failing. The anxiety, and the medication to an extent, was making it so difficult to concentrate and I was terrified of making a mistake. Of course I was still catastrophising at this point, so the ‘what if I make a mistake?’ turned in to ‘what if I get demoted, what if get sacked, what if we lose our house, what if Neil leaves me,’ blah blah, you get the picture. I was an anxious mess.

A few weeks ago, I felt the tide turning. I would still wake up anxious every morning, but it would last for less and less time. I decided to make myself a week long timetable to get myself back in to a routine. So I gave myself things to do every day. I went out for walks, I read my mindfulness book, I did some housework, I organised plans for our holiday. Basically I stopped letting myself be good for nothing. And it helped.

Last Monday, I wasn’t 100% sure I was ready to go back but I decided to just give it a go. But this time, I approached it completely differently. I didn’t do the phased return thing. And I didn’t really spend much time talking to people about why I’d been off. I just wanted to get back to some sense of normality. Work is a big part of who I am and I just wanted to be me again. So I walked in to the office last week and I just got on with it. And nothing terrible happened.  

There are days when it all feels a bit much. Days when I wake up and I honestly don’t know if I’ll manage. Days when I’m so tired by the end of the day that I can barely find the energy to wash my face. Days when I do make mistakes! But what I’ve come to realise is that it’s okay to have days like that. In an ideal world, I would be perfect. Everyone would, wouldn’t they? But I’m far from perfect. I am perfectly flawed. And every day I’m getting a little bit closer to accepting that.