Feeling the fear

I’m just back from a fabulous holiday to Mexico. During our trip, we took a catamaran from Cancun over to Isla Mujeres and had the opportunity to snorkel in the ocean half way over. I was dying to do this and was so excited but when it came down to putting the mask on and jumping in, I just couldn’t do it. I didn’t realise the mask would cover my nose and panicked that I wouldn’t be able to breath. So I watched my husband swim off with the rest of the group, while I sat on the boat drinking lukewarm sex on the beach wishing I wasn’t such a shitbag. I’m so pissed off at myself for not taking that leap, as it’s a chance I probably won’t have again, and it’s made me really think about fear and the opportunities it steals from us.

The truth is, I’m scared of a lot of things. Although I try not to let fear rule my life, I worry all the time. I worry about work and not being good enough (appraisal time sets off my anxiety in a big way.) I worry about family and friends (dying/leaving/drifting apart/being alone.) I worry about how I appear to other people online. I worry that the cat being sick is not actually due to hairballs, but some ghastly disease. I worry I'll never taste original Irn Bru again. I worry that if I finally get to be a Mum, I’ll just be shit at it and my child will hate me. You get the gist – constant worries.

I’m much better than I used to be and sometimes I’m able to use mindfulness to stop negative thoughts. But it’s so hard sometimes, to just live in the moment, and I can’t deny I spent a lot of time thinking about the past (guilt) and speculating about the future (anxiety.) It’s not that worrying is taking over my life or anything. I’m happy most of the time. But I do waste so much time on worrying that I wonder, how much more could I achieve if I weren’t so afraid?

I stand with all women

I wasn’t sure whether to write this. Firstly, through fear of it being a tad too ‘topical’ and secondly, because I don’t consider myself to be a blogger or Instagrammer, and therefore maybe, I thought, I don’t have a right to an opinion? After mulling it over for a couple of days, I decided that although I may not be an ‘influencer’ (I bloody hate that term), I do write a blog and I do have an Instagram account, so by definition I guess, I am both a blogger and am Instagrammer. Sadly, both are getting a bit of a bad press at the moment, for all the wrong reasons.

As with a lot of online drama these days, it started off with some trolling on Mumsnet. Someone wrote some terrible things about someone else and that someone then went off on one on their Instagram stories. Within 24 hours, Instagram had blew up.

I want to start by saying that it’s never okay to troll or bully someone online (or ever, actually.) Especially on a site where you can remain anonymous. We all know that things are said behind the mask of a username that would never be said in person. Singling out someone, a Mother, and then questioning their parenting, is a beyond shitty thing to do.  It’s pretty disgusting and I don’t think anyone would deny that.

But that’s where my sympathies end, and I’ll tell you why.

1)      When you spend your days voicing your political biases on Instagram, you have to then be accepting of others. You can’t just call then a c*nt for having different political beliefs. When you alienate a whole section of society, you undermine the message you are trying to put across. 

2)      Women should champion other women. When I see someone who’s made a success of their lives, I want to high five them, not upload a series of stories mocking them for ‘working bloody hard.’ There is nothing wrong with working hard and reaping the rewards that hard work brings. I appreciate that working hard in itself does not always result in a nice life, but if it does, then you shouldn’t be ashamed of that or mocked for it.

3)      Women can be successful in their own right and no one should ever infer otherwise. I read a very sad comment on an Instagram post that said 99% of ‘mummy bloggers’ were one divorce away from living in poverty. And that’s both insulting and not true. I’m sure many of the women who make a living from social media earn more than their husbands/partners and would manage just fine without their salaries. We no longer live in a society (thank goodness) where men are always the primary earners.  And regardless of their household finances, it’s not okay to meet sweeping assumptions about people.

4)      You can’t just scream ‘classism’ every time you hear something online that you don’t like. Without knowing people ‘in the real world’ and knowing them well, you have no idea about their background. My Instagram feed would probably suggest I come from a middle class family, but I was raised by a single Mum, and laterally a grandparent. My feed only shows you what I want you to see. They'e just squares with pretty pictures. Anyway, not all middle class people are bad people.

5)      You can shout ‘cuts’ and ‘social cleansing’ from the rooftops, but if you have a platform, I believe you have a duty to use that platform for good, and this sort of vague political rhetoric that I hear does nothing to highlight the real issues. All it does is encourage a culture of hate, with women pitting against other women. This must stop.

I did work bloody hard. I paid my way through University, working every hour I could from the age of 16 to support myself. I wasn’t born with a silver spoon in my mouth. It was only a few years ago that I started earning a decent wage (not a large wage) after years of studying and exams. And I’m proud of that. I won’t let anyone make me feel like shit for making a success of my life. In the same way that I would never judge anyone that's struggling. We all take different paths in live. We all make different choices. We all have different luck. Let’s celebrate our differences, champion our successes and be there for one another when the shit hits. I stand with all women. Enough of the hate.

Coming off medication and setting fire to the safety blanket

I have been on and off antidepressants for a large proportion of my adult life, to combat both depression and anxiety, but mostly anxiety. I must admit that for a time in my twenties when I was plagued with panic so crippling, I couldn’t leave the house, I relied on those drugs to function. They were my safety blanket. But depending on medication left me in a bit of a rut, as it meant I didn’t have to think about the reasons why I was suffering in the first place.

Not that there’s anything wrong with having to rely on antidepressants, of course. They got me through some dark days. I am not at all anti-anti-depressants.But I do think doctors are very quick to dish these tablets out to people without trying to get to the bottom of the root cause of their illness. Prescribing drugs alone without any sort of talking therapy will only ever act as a plaster that’s just waiting to be ripped off at the first sign of trouble.

Over the last few years, I have made a real effort to get on top of my anxiety. I’ve had talking therapy and CBT, regularly attended mindfulness classes, and lately I’ve even taken up running again. It’s only in the past year or so that I’ve begun to really understand the triggers for my anxiety, and what I can do to manage it, without relying on drugs. For a long time, I thought that it was just a chemical imbalance, that I was anxious for no reason, but of course, there were reasons. They just weren’t obvious. This realisation gave me the freedom to start thinking about whether medication was really necessary.

Although I’ve tried pretty much every kind of antidepressant medication you could name, they’ve never really agreed with me. Yes, they reduced my anxiety, but for every panic attack I didn’t have, I developed five different side-effects that weren’t there before. Sickness, headaches, dizziness, weight gain, insomnia. If it’s listed on the small print of a leaflet, I’ve probably suffered from it. And so I began to wonder a few weeks ago, after a particularly bad week of nausea and lightheadedness, if these drugs were doing me more harm than good.

A few days ago, I made a decision. To stop taking any more medication. (I should mention that I did this safely, under the supervision and advice of my GP, after gradually reducing my dosage. It is highly inadvisable to go cold turkey.) I am pretty confident that I will feel better without it. Medication is not for everyone, and maybe it’s just not for me.

I’m not naive and I know that I’ll still have anxious times. But I’m self aware enough now to recognise the signs and use the tools that I’ve picked up over the years to manage them. There is no shame in asking for help. It’s always okay not to be okay. It’s fine to rely on medication if you need it. But it’s also okay to say ‘do you know what, I think i’m doing alright.’ So let’s set fire to the safety blanket and give this a try...

What to expect when they're not expecting

It’s National Infertility Awareness week, and I’ve thought long and hard about writing a blog about this. It’s not an easy subject for me to write about and I wasn’t really sure what I wanted to say. So in the end, I just decided to write something that might be useful for anyone trying to support a friend or family member who’s suffering from infertility. Here it is…

Things not to say to someone struggling with infertility:

1.      “Relax and it will happen”

I’m sure I’m not alone in saying that these are the most hated words you can hear. I know that people mean well and especially when the infertility is unexplained (i.e. no medical reason diagnosed) it might seem like a piece of sensible advice. But really, if it were that easy, I’d be at a spa every weekend or meditating on my lunch break. While there may be some truth in these words – stress can impact on fertility – it’s not what anyone wants to hear and the chances are, some yoga is not going to fix the problem!

2.      “There’s a plan for you / if it’s meant to be it will be / everything happens for a reason”

I’ll admit I am a believer in fate. I do try to tell myself that everything happens for a reason. The problem is, when you don’t know what that reason is, it’s incredibly frustrating. And to be honest, knowing that there might well be a plan for me, and that plan may not involve children, is frankly, fucking depressing. And certainly not something I want to be reminded of.  

3.      “There’s always IVF”

Ah, the good old IVF back up. Because that’s what it is, isn’t it? It’s no-one’s first choice to inject themselves with hormones and grow their potential first born in a petri dish. Yes, in theory, we could have IVF. But we don’t want to. I won’t judge anyone that chooses to go down this road, but people need to understand that it’s not for everyone. After years of heartbreak, not everyone has the strength or desire to go through the emotional trauma of a failed IVF cycle (or five!)

4.      “I know how you feel” (when you really don’t)

I’ll let you in on a secret. Trying to conceive is not nearly as much fun it’s made out to be. In fact, it’s pretty bloody stressful. So if it’s taken you a year to get pregnant, I completely understand the strain that will have put on every part of your life.  But it’s just not the same as being infertile. If you ended up with a baby at the end of trying, then you don’t know how I feel. And you never will (unless of course, you are unlucky enough to struggle with secondary infertility later down the line.)

5.        “Think of all the things you can do without kids”

Yes, I have a pretty great life. I go on lots of holidays, minibreaks, trips away etc, and that’s all great fun. But it’s not how I pictured life would be at 31 and certainly not what I want forever to look like. If you moan about not having enough ‘me time,’ sleep, or dates with your husband, then I’m probably going to find it pretty hard to sympathise with that. People who have kids are lucky. I get that being a parent is incredibly hard and you need a break from them sometimes. But a life without children when you really want them is quite different and these small concessions – like sleeping for eight hours or having the money to get your hair done – doesn’t  really make up for that.

So, what should you say?

I don’t mean to come across as bitter, I really don’t. If you have said any of the above things to me at some point, I don’t hate you. I know it’s hard to find the right words and it’s so personal to whoever’s on the receiving end. I’ve come to terms with our infertility now, so am not so sensitive, but someone at the start of their journey might well be. My advice would be to just say ‘that’s really shit, I’m here if you want to talk about it,’ and really mean it. Sometimes I want to talk about it, sometimes I don’t. But if I know you’re here for me no matter what, well, those are the only words I really need to hear.

Dealing with Impostor Syndrome

The last week or so, I’ve been having a serious case of impostor syndrome. You know, when you feel like you’re winging your way through life? I haven’t felt out of my depth exactly, but I have had a lot of self-doubt about my abilities. This probably came about because I started lecturing again last week, something I have been doing periodically for a few years now through my job. This doesn’t come naturally to me, but I force myself to do it because I’ve always been determined that my anxiety will not hold me back in life.

Despite the fact that people tell me I’m doing a good job, I always struggle to believe it. I was terrified that the students would ask me questions I wouldn’t be able to answer. And yet, when the time came, I spoke to them confidently and they seemed satisfied with my answers. It doesn’t feel like that long ago that I was them, and it’s odd to think that they might now be looking up to me. That sort of responsibility is a bit scary if I’m honest.

I’ve always felt this way, but when I was in a more junior position, I believed more experience would improve my confidence. Sadly, the more responsibility I’m given, the less I seem to believe in myself. The more I push myself, the less worthy I feel. The route of my flailing self-perception is complicated but suffering from anxiety certainly doesn’t help.

The sad reality is, suffering from any mental health problem does knock your confidence. Low self-belief is a common symptom of both anxiety and depression. It’s incredibly hard to ignore those voices inside which constantly nag at you, telling you you are not good enough. If you are the kind of person who’s prone to this type of negative thinking, I’m not sure there’s a way to completely change your ways, but I do find that mindfulness has at least helped me notice what a negative thinker I am and try and stop the thoughts in their tracks.

My advice is, when you find the impostor syndrome creeping in, try and focus on your achievements and what you do well. You might need some reassurance from other people, and that’s okay. Look for evidence to dispute your negative thoughts (mine is usually ‘if you were actually shit at your job, you would have been sacked by now!’) You can do anything you want to, but maybe not everything…

How to stay well when you’re stressed (from someone who’s really bad at it!)

I am writing this blog today for two reasons. Reason 1: it’s ‘time to talk’ day tomorrow. This day encourages us to take the opportunity to be more open about our mental health and open up the conversation. Reason 2: As a reminder to myself so I can look back on this when I’m struggling.

Anyone that knows me well will know that January is a difficult month for me. On top of the usual feelings of ‘meh’ that we all feel after the festive period, I also work in a very seasonal industry and January happens to be my busiest month of the year. Usually I thrive on the pressure and it keeps me going (in fact, the two periods of severe anxiety I’ve suffered with in previous years have been in my ‘quiet period’ at work.) But this January, I’ve found myself getting really stressed and it’s been quite difficult to pull myself out of that state at times. Here are some things that you absolutely should do if you’re struggling to cope with stress:

1)      Make time for self-care. I will freely admit I’m terrible at this. (I haven’t shaved my legs in so long, that I could probably pass for a yeti.) Self-care is one of these buzzwords that is thrown around quite a lot these days and I think is often misinterpreted. It doesn’t necessarily mean lying in a candlelit bath for an hour with a glass of wine, although that is a lovely way to spend an evening. It just means managing the little run of the mill tasks like taking your make up off before bed, making sure you have clean clothes and sitting down to a decent meal.

2)      Don’t under estimate the power of exercise. Another piece of advice that I’m useless at following. If the gym is your thing, then great, but I mean just getting out in the fresh air and going for a walk. At the end of a long day at work, most people – me included – just want to get in their pyjamas, crawl in to bed and watch the Crown. But going for just a 20minute stroll always helps me to clear my head and feel a lot more mindful.

3)      Try to remember, that your mental health is the most important thing. I know first-hand that it’s human nature to compare yourself to others. When you’re busy at work, you’re probably looking around at everyone else thinking, ‘am I doing enough?’ But don’t feel guilty about leaving at 5pm. It doesn’t really matter what others are doing – they are not you. You will know your own limits and you have to try and work within those limits to avoid getting ill. You can do anything if you put your mind to it, but not everything!

4)      Know that no matter how shit you are feeling, or how hard you are working, it will pass. Whatever you are stressed about today will probably not be relevant in a week’s time. Most things in life are temporary so know that when you’re having a hard time, it won’t last forever.

I hope future me actually manages to listen to the above advice! I’ll be taking some time with my colleagues tomorrow to get away from my desk and chat about mental health. I hope you all manage to make the time to do the same. To find out more about ‘time to talk day’ and how to get involved, go to https://www.time-to-change.org.uk/get-involved/time-talk-day-2018

A better place

So here we are. It’s 2018 and almost five months since I published a blog. Oops! It’s not that I didn’t want to write, or that I didn’t have anything to say. I had lots to say, and yet I could never really find the right words. You see, there’s a part of my life that I’ve tried to keep private up until now. Something I didn’t feel comfortable talking about. But that ‘thing’ became such a huge deal last year that it clouded all other parts of my little world. I’ve always tried to keep this blog honest and so I made a decision – that if I couldn’t be completely open, I wouldn’t write at all.  

Fast forward half a year and I’m in quite a different place and feel happier to share a little about what’s been going on. A while back, my husband and I made the decision to start a family. It became a big focus in our lives and I would go as a far as saying that it became a bit of an obsession for me. Sadly, although there were many lovely holidays and happy times, I fear I’ll always remember 2017 as ‘the year we couldn’t have a baby.’

I won’t go in to the ins and outs of our infertility, I don’t think you need to know the gory details, but I will say that it’s been a tough time for us.  I have now made peace with the fact that I will probably never carry a child or give birth but it’s taken me a long time to get to that place. Last year, I wrote an article for the Mighty that sums up how I was feeling then – before I accepted our fate and that the path to parenthood may look a little different for us.

https://themighty.com/2017/10/infertility-loneliness/?utm_source=search&utm_medium=site&utm_term=infertility

It’s not an easy read, but I know that it’s an issue that many of us will face in our lifetime (12% of us sadly) and so if you’re suffering too, I just wanted to say that ‘I know.’ I’ve felt the loneliness. I hope you will find your peace, just as I have found mine.