The last week or so, I’ve been having a serious case of
impostor syndrome. You know, when you feel like you’re winging your way through
life? I haven’t felt out of my depth exactly, but I have had a lot of self-doubt
about my abilities. This probably came about because I started lecturing again
last week, something I have been doing periodically for a few years now through
my job. This doesn’t come naturally to me, but I force myself to do it because
I’ve always been determined that my anxiety will not hold me back in life.
Despite the fact that people tell me I’m doing a good job, I
always struggle to believe it. I was terrified that the students would ask me
questions I wouldn’t be able to answer. And yet, when the time came, I spoke to
them confidently and they seemed satisfied with my answers. It doesn’t feel
like that long ago that I was them, and it’s odd to think that they might now
be looking up to me. That sort of responsibility is a bit scary if I’m honest.
I’ve always felt this way, but when I was in a more junior
position, I believed more experience would improve my confidence. Sadly, the
more responsibility I’m given, the less I seem to believe in myself. The more I
push myself, the less worthy I feel. The route of my flailing self-perception
is complicated but suffering from anxiety certainly doesn’t help.
The sad reality is, suffering from any mental health problem
does knock your confidence. Low self-belief is a common symptom of both anxiety
and depression. It’s incredibly hard to ignore those voices inside which
constantly nag at you, telling you you are not good enough. If you are the kind
of person who’s prone to this type of negative thinking, I’m not sure there’s a
way to completely change your ways, but I do find that mindfulness has at least
helped me notice what a negative thinker I am and try and stop the thoughts in
their tracks.
My advice is, when you find the impostor syndrome creeping
in, try and focus on your achievements and what you do well. You might need
some reassurance from other people, and that’s okay. Look for evidence to
dispute your negative thoughts (mine is usually ‘if you were actually shit at
your job, you would have been sacked by now!’) You can do anything you want to,
but maybe not everything…
