How to stay well when you’re stressed (from someone who’s really bad at it!)

I am writing this blog today for two reasons. Reason 1: it’s ‘time to talk’ day tomorrow. This day encourages us to take the opportunity to be more open about our mental health and open up the conversation. Reason 2: As a reminder to myself so I can look back on this when I’m struggling.

Anyone that knows me well will know that January is a difficult month for me. On top of the usual feelings of ‘meh’ that we all feel after the festive period, I also work in a very seasonal industry and January happens to be my busiest month of the year. Usually I thrive on the pressure and it keeps me going (in fact, the two periods of severe anxiety I’ve suffered with in previous years have been in my ‘quiet period’ at work.) But this January, I’ve found myself getting really stressed and it’s been quite difficult to pull myself out of that state at times. Here are some things that you absolutely should do if you’re struggling to cope with stress:

1)      Make time for self-care. I will freely admit I’m terrible at this. (I haven’t shaved my legs in so long, that I could probably pass for a yeti.) Self-care is one of these buzzwords that is thrown around quite a lot these days and I think is often misinterpreted. It doesn’t necessarily mean lying in a candlelit bath for an hour with a glass of wine, although that is a lovely way to spend an evening. It just means managing the little run of the mill tasks like taking your make up off before bed, making sure you have clean clothes and sitting down to a decent meal.

2)      Don’t under estimate the power of exercise. Another piece of advice that I’m useless at following. If the gym is your thing, then great, but I mean just getting out in the fresh air and going for a walk. At the end of a long day at work, most people – me included – just want to get in their pyjamas, crawl in to bed and watch the Crown. But going for just a 20minute stroll always helps me to clear my head and feel a lot more mindful.

3)      Try to remember, that your mental health is the most important thing. I know first-hand that it’s human nature to compare yourself to others. When you’re busy at work, you’re probably looking around at everyone else thinking, ‘am I doing enough?’ But don’t feel guilty about leaving at 5pm. It doesn’t really matter what others are doing – they are not you. You will know your own limits and you have to try and work within those limits to avoid getting ill. You can do anything if you put your mind to it, but not everything!

4)      Know that no matter how shit you are feeling, or how hard you are working, it will pass. Whatever you are stressed about today will probably not be relevant in a week’s time. Most things in life are temporary so know that when you’re having a hard time, it won’t last forever.

I hope future me actually manages to listen to the above advice! I’ll be taking some time with my colleagues tomorrow to get away from my desk and chat about mental health. I hope you all manage to make the time to do the same. To find out more about ‘time to talk day’ and how to get involved, go to https://www.time-to-change.org.uk/get-involved/time-talk-day-2018

A better place

So here we are. It’s 2018 and almost five months since I published a blog. Oops! It’s not that I didn’t want to write, or that I didn’t have anything to say. I had lots to say, and yet I could never really find the right words. You see, there’s a part of my life that I’ve tried to keep private up until now. Something I didn’t feel comfortable talking about. But that ‘thing’ became such a huge deal last year that it clouded all other parts of my little world. I’ve always tried to keep this blog honest and so I made a decision – that if I couldn’t be completely open, I wouldn’t write at all.  

Fast forward half a year and I’m in quite a different place and feel happier to share a little about what’s been going on. A while back, my husband and I made the decision to start a family. It became a big focus in our lives and I would go as a far as saying that it became a bit of an obsession for me. Sadly, although there were many lovely holidays and happy times, I fear I’ll always remember 2017 as ‘the year we couldn’t have a baby.’

I won’t go in to the ins and outs of our infertility, I don’t think you need to know the gory details, but I will say that it’s been a tough time for us.  I have now made peace with the fact that I will probably never carry a child or give birth but it’s taken me a long time to get to that place. Last year, I wrote an article for the Mighty that sums up how I was feeling then – before I accepted our fate and that the path to parenthood may look a little different for us.

https://themighty.com/2017/10/infertility-loneliness/?utm_source=search&utm_medium=site&utm_term=infertility

It’s not an easy read, but I know that it’s an issue that many of us will face in our lifetime (12% of us sadly) and so if you’re suffering too, I just wanted to say that ‘I know.’ I’ve felt the loneliness. I hope you will find your peace, just as I have found mine. 

Mindful walking

Yesterday I woke up feeling tired and irritable. It’s nothing new: I’m not sleeping well and often feel that way first thing. The last few weeks I’ve also felt very down and although I’ve been practicing mindfulness for some time now, I don’t often remember to actually do it. Or by the time I really need it, I’m not in much of a mood to do anything! So I decided yesterday to walk mindfully to the train station. I live about a mile from the station and have about a twenty minute walk each morning. Normally, I listen to the Radio or Spotify or a podcast. Yesterday, I did none of those things.

My mindfulness teacher often talks about mindful walking, but I’ve never really done it before. I’m always in a rush to get somewhere, or when I do go out just for the joy of walking, I’m usually with my husband. So yesterday morning I set off on a quest – to pay attention on purpose to everything. I waited until I crossed the main road at the end of my street (because no one wants to get mindfully run over) and then put on my mindfulness hat.

I noticed the air against my face. It was a crisp morning and every so often I felt a small gust of cold wind against my skin. For just a second, and then it was gone. I noticed the way my feet felt against the ground and the ‘clip clop’ of my shoes as they touched down on the pavement. I noticed the way my body moved, and felt gratitude towards my legs for supporting me. I noticed my thoughts come and go. I noticed the way that I felt and accepted those feelings.

After a while, my mind was no longer full of the ‘what if’s and ‘why not’s. Instead it was focused on the scenery around me. I’d never known the name of the streets I wandered down every day – now I paid attention to the street signs. What I once thought was an just an ugly grey terrace, in fact, housed a beautiful red leafed tree. In fact, two trees (there once had been three, but now only two and a stump.) Birds rustled in the bushes; a cat crossed my path (let’s be honest, I’d have noticed the cat on any given day, but this time I didn’t pounce on it and try and make friends, I just appreciated its beautiful soft fur and walked on by.)

By the time I arrived at the station, twenty minutes later, I felt happy. I felt free. Free of the worries that had haunted me for weeks. Free of the anxiety that had caused my chest tightness only an hour before. I hadn’t missed the radio. I certainly hadn’t missed the thoughts. And for the rest of the morning, I felt relaxed. It didn’t last of course. Mindfulness is not a miracle cure. It can’t bring you good health or wealth. But it can bring you contentment, even if only for a little while. 

Why I’m quitting Slimming World

I’m generally not a quitter. I persevered with my tax exams (despite failing one twice) even though I hated every minute of studying. I spent 2 days teaching my cat to do a high five. It took a lot of treats and patience but we got there in the end! But I know when something is just not worth pursuing and this week, I finally decided to give up on Slimming World. Here’s why…

One - Weighing in every week was depressing me.

It started off okay. I was losing consistently every week until week 15, when I gained half a pound. Now I know half a pound is nothing, and by that point I had lost well over a stone, but it bloody hurt seeing that gain on the scales. Since then, my weight has yo-yoed a lot and although the overall trend is down, the constant ups and down made me feel like I had failed.

I started experimenting by weighing myself mid-week and then eventually, weighing myself every single day. What I found is that my weight fluctuates a hell of a lot from day to day. On any given week, I had probably lost at least a pound of fat, but on that particular day when I was weighing in, the scales might not have been reflecting that. I could have had a salty meal the night before so was holding on to water, it could be because of hormonal fluctuations, it could simply be because I hadn’t been to the loo (sorry for TMI!) The point is, weighing yourself on a particular day is a bit like rolling a dice. Sometimes it will be accurate and sometimes it won’t. On the weeks that it is, you feel great. But on the weeks where you know that you stuck to plan and didn’t lose, it’s just demoralising. And for an anxious person like me, it was just playing on my mind far too much.

Two – There are aspects of this diet that just don’t sit right with me.

While there are things about slimming world I love, there are aspects of the plan that just seem, frankly, bizarre. Let’s take avocados. I bloody love avocados and guacamole, but I haven’t eaten any in over six months! Why? Well because an avocado has 14 syns. You are only supposed to have between 5-15 syns a day, so fitting an avocado in to the diet, while not impossible, is pretty difficult. The thing is, avocados have so much goodness in them. They’re incredibly nutritious and they’re loaded with heart healthy fats, fibre and potassium. But on Slimming World, none of that matters. Syns say no.

Another strange example is Mugshots. Now, I won’t lie, I am partial to a cheeky sweet and sour Mugshot. These things have over 200 calories. But as they’re ‘free’ on the plan, I can have technically have as many as I like. Two Mugshots, calorie wise, is roughly equivalent to an avocado. But on Slimming World, that doesn’t matter! Call me cynical, but I suspect that has a lot to do with brand affiliation. (Muller Lights crop up so many times in their recipes that you’d think they’re a super food.) Which leads me to my next point…

Three – Slimming World teaches you feck all about nutrition

Now Slimming World has taught me a lot of things and has encouraged a lot of good habits. For example, filling your plate with 1/3^rd speed food has encouraged me to revamp my portion sizes. I’m eating a lot more fruit and veg, and a lot less carbs and sugar. That can only be a good thing. But what it’s not taught me, is anything about what my body needs to be healthy.

On Slimming World, calories are a dirty word. But let’s face it – try as many diets as you like, it all comes back to calories. Less calories in than out = calorie deficit = weight loss. And actually, that’s what the Slimming World diet is based upon, even though no one at head office is going to admit it. For a lot of people starting out on Slimming World, they will naturally consume less calories than they were eating before. Probably a lot less calories. And that’s because their diets (and I’m including myself in this generalisation!) were shit. Going from a high fat, high sugar diet to a fairly low sugar, virtually fat free diet means that you will obviously be consuming a lot less calories than before. But wait a minute…as you lose more weight, the amount of calories your body needs to survive will decrease. But you’re following the same plan so consuming roughly the same amount of calories. So that will result in your calorie deficit becoming a lot smaller (resulting in smaller losses,) or you becoming calorie neutral (therefore maintaining your weight.) Maybe some weeks when you’ve eaten a shitload of Muller Lights, you might even gain! You cannot get away from the fact that a calorie deficit diet is the only way to lose fat.

[Four – bonus reason – Frylight ruined my pans!]

So what am I doing now?

You’ve probably guessed it. I’m counting calories. I’ve bought a Fitbit, I’m recording everything I eat on Myfitnesspal, and I’m making sure I eat less calories than I burn off. Okay, it’s a bit more hassle and yes, I have to weigh out food and spend a few minutes a day logging everything I eat, but it’s making me learn about nutrition and I feel so much more in control than I ever did on Slimming World.

I’m not saying Slimming World’s a terrible diet. It’s helped me lose around 2 stone, and for a lot of people, it’s a great starter diet. I cook differently now and will continue to use some of their recipes. I discovered overnight oats, which I love, and I’ll never buy a jar of pasta or curry sauce ever again. But to get over this plateau, I need to do more. So the weight loss journey will continue - I’m not quitting, but you won’t see many more #sw posts from me. #thanksswandgoodbye.

Battling my obsessions

I think it’s fair to say most people who suffer from anxiety have obsessive thoughts from time to time. When I was really ill, my obsessive thoughts would centre on bad things happening. I couldn’t shake the horrible feeling of foreboding and so I would feed these feelings by thinking of all the bad things that might happen and convincing myself that these thoughts and fears were real. I’m sure that sort of experience is pretty standard.

However, something else I am bad for, and I’m not sure how common this is, is having fleeting obsessions generally. This can be anything from a specific person (hello, Jamie Dornan!) to a place or even a time in history.

To give you an example, I once spent pretty much a whole weekend researching Alton Towers. I was on the website, I was reading threads on forums about upcoming attractions and watching you tube videos. I had no plans to visit Alton Towers. In fact, the one time I did go there, and my friends can attest to this, I didn’t really like it (because I’m a wimp and don’t like rollercoasters that much.) So why did I waste all that time reading about it? I don’t have an answer. But for those few days, it became an obsession of mine that I couldn’t shift.

A lot of these obsessions are harmless (apart from totally wasting my time,) but some of them can be quite damaging. A few months ago, I became obsessed with cleaning. I have always liked keeping the house clean, and it had become a Saturday morning ritual of ours. But before long, the Saturday morning had turned in to Saturday morning and afternoon and I was literally on my hands and knees picking up individual specks of dust. My husband (who is awesome and does his fair share around the house himself) recognised that this had gone beyond just wanting the house to be clean. The pleasure I got from seeing the house immaculate had turned into anxiety because I could never get it quite clean enough. I was upset and in tears at times because I was scared the house was dirty and I worried so much about people coming over and thinking we were unclean. So we hired a cleaner. It was a huge step for me but it has stopped me obsessing as much and I know it was something we had to do to help my mental health.

I’m now learning to understand the boundaries of what is okay and what is obsessive behaviour. I might still lie in bed at 1am reading about rabbits, but I’ll know when to pull the plug. Looking at cute pictures – okay. Looking at the pets at home website, listing everything I would buy for a pet rabbit – not okay. (And yes, I have done this!)

I’d be interested to know if anyone else has these mini obsessions, or whether I am just a very strange creature! Thanks for reading x

Trigger Happy

Last night after a productive but eventful day, I started to feel that familiar sense of foreboding. I knew the anxiety was coming, and for once, I knew why. Coffee. I had made the mistake of spending an hour in Costa. As I sipped on my skinny caramel latte, I knew there would probably be payback, but it was so tasty and felt like such a treat, so I kept drinking.

Identifying anxiety triggers is something that I’ve only recently began to contend with. In the past, I’ve always believed that my anxiety came from nowhere, it usually hit me from out of the blue and I could never really pinpoint why. A few weeks ago, my therapist suggested I start keeping a mood diary. It was such a simple idea and yet I’d never thought of it before.

Every day for 2 weeks, I jotted down every time I felt anxious, how strong the feelings were, what I was doing at the time, and any thoughts I could remembering having. Initially, I wasn’t convinced that it was helpful, but as time went on, I did begin to see patterns emerging.

Coffee was a straightforward enough trigger to deal with. I had never been a huge coffee drinker – it had always given me the shakes – and so it was fairly easy to limit this. But some triggers, such as vivid dreams, were much harder to eliminate.

It took me a while to realise that criticism, or more commonly, fear of criticism, brought on my anxiety and yet, it had been staring me straight in the face for so long. I have always been an over thinker and a catasrophiser, but I’d never been able to joint up the dots. I would go over and over conversations in my head, wondering if I could have said something differently. I would shy away from social situations, afraid of behaving inappropriately or saying the wrong thing. I would write the same WhatsApp message over and over and then end up not sending anything because it was just easier to not risk sounding silly or upsetting someone. I had (and still have) horrifically low self-esteem.

It’s not the easiest thing to admit to yourself and I’m sure to some it sounds incredibly self-absorbed. For years, I’ve been scared of truly being myself and that’s probably resulted in me coming across as quite standoffish at times. What I thought was shielding me from pain and rejection was actually hindering my friendships.  But it is something that I can address, and I’m working really hard to change my ways of thinking (that’s probably a blog for another day though.)

If you’re struggling to figure out what makes you anxious, I would strongly recommending keeping a record of your mood. And maybe stay away from those caramel lattes too! 

Going back to work

So after a rocky few weeks (probably longer if I’m honest,) I finally went back to work last Monday after five weeks off sick. This is the second time I have returned to work after a prolonged period of absence. Last year I was off for seven weeks, with a six week phased return. One of the things that’s been really difficult for me this time, was knowing when it was the right time to go back.

Last year, when I returned to work, I was so ready for it. I just knew it was the right time. I felt so much better within myself and I felt ready to share my story with others. I emailed my colleagues to tell them why I had been off. It was the first time that most of them had realised that I struggled with my mental health. I wanted to be open and honest with them, and I felt confident enough to organise a session for mental health awareness week, where I shared me story and how mindfulness had helped me. I was very frank and didn’t hide any of the gory details.

This time felt different. Being off for a second time had completely shattered my confidence. I tried to get up and go to work one day (I think it was after three weeks off) and I just fell apart. I was shaking, my heart was racing and I had awful chest pain. I wasn’t ready. I was so scared of failing. The anxiety, and the medication to an extent, was making it so difficult to concentrate and I was terrified of making a mistake. Of course I was still catastrophising at this point, so the ‘what if I make a mistake?’ turned in to ‘what if I get demoted, what if get sacked, what if we lose our house, what if Neil leaves me,’ blah blah, you get the picture. I was an anxious mess.

A few weeks ago, I felt the tide turning. I would still wake up anxious every morning, but it would last for less and less time. I decided to make myself a week long timetable to get myself back in to a routine. So I gave myself things to do every day. I went out for walks, I read my mindfulness book, I did some housework, I organised plans for our holiday. Basically I stopped letting myself be good for nothing. And it helped.

Last Monday, I wasn’t 100% sure I was ready to go back but I decided to just give it a go. But this time, I approached it completely differently. I didn’t do the phased return thing. And I didn’t really spend much time talking to people about why I’d been off. I just wanted to get back to some sense of normality. Work is a big part of who I am and I just wanted to be me again. So I walked in to the office last week and I just got on with it. And nothing terrible happened.  

There are days when it all feels a bit much. Days when I wake up and I honestly don’t know if I’ll manage. Days when I’m so tired by the end of the day that I can barely find the energy to wash my face. Days when I do make mistakes! But what I’ve come to realise is that it’s okay to have days like that. In an ideal world, I would be perfect. Everyone would, wouldn’t they? But I’m far from perfect. I am perfectly flawed. And every day I’m getting a little bit closer to accepting that.