The last time I checked, I was a woman. The hips don’t lie.
But a typical woman? That I am not. Okay so I have the usual mood swings,
insecurities and fashion faux pas that we women all have, however, unlike most of
us, I believe I am missing two vital genes. I call these the B genes – bride
and baby.
Anyone who knows me well will tell you that I love my fiancé
to distraction. I genuinely can’t wait to marry him and call him my husband. But
actually being a bride? That doesn’t really excite me at all.
Most women I know have been planning their wedding day since
they could talk. They dream about the big white wedding, the fairy tale dress,
the four tier cake, the five day hen do and so it goes on. But all I really want
is for us to stand on a beach, say our vows as quickly as possible, preferably
without me making an arse of myself, get drunk and then get on with married
life (which is why the two of us are buggering off to the Carribean.)
I’ve looked at one bridal magazine since I got engaged and I
can honestly say I was bored after five minutes. ‘Five easy ways to impress
with a chocolate wedding cake in the shape of a swan,’ ‘Turn your hand to
collage for an extra twist of romance,’ ‘The seven signs your table plan is
trying to take over your life.’ These are actual articles from the uniquely
titled ‘Wedding’ magazine. No thanks!
I’m going to try on a wedding dress on Saturday for the
first time. I’ve seen one dress I like and I’m pretty sure that on Saturday I’m
going to put it on, look in the mirror and say, ‘aye alright, I’ll buy it.’
There will be no tears, no drama, and no horde of bridesmaids. Just me my
Mother and probably a camera phone. Then we’re going for a chippy. The fact
that I’m more excited about the chippy than the dress is probably evidence
enough that my bride gene got lost somewhere along the way.
Once we’re Married, I know the next thing I’m going to have
to contend with is the constant nagging about when I’m going to pop out a
sprog. And the truth is, I don’t know if I ever want one. That’s right, I’m
missing the baby gene too. I know it’s not natural for a woman to say that she
doesn’t want children and I’m not saying never but the feelings just aren’t there
yet. I’ve never been broody. I’m not even entirely sure what broodiness is. Broodiness
is probably the same sort of alien concept to me as PMS is to a man.
My best friend gave birth to a beautiful baby girl two
months ago and while I love spending time with her and having a wee cuddle, I
look at her and I have no idea what to say or do. When I hold her I’m not
thinking ‘aww I want one,’ I’m just thinking ‘don’t drop her, don’t drop her,
Claire will kill you, don’t drop her.’
While I completely understand the desire to give birth to a
little bundle of joy, I’m just not the type of woman that coos at every passing
newborn. I like my life too much as it is. Plus if my boobs get any bigger I
might fall over.
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