Live blogging my anxiety (part 3)

Wednesday 10^th May

Today was a better day. I had another good sleep last night so the exhaustion has lifted, although I am still feeling ridiculously lethargic all the time, and everything seems like such an effort.

My cleaner came today and I just couldn’t face making small talk with them so I went out for a coffee. I also knew I’d have to explain why I was off work. It seems silly when I’m putting it out there to the world in a blog, but I didn’t want to admit what was wrong with me. Last week, I said I had a cold. I am still very much ashamed of being plagued with this condition. Being off ill for a physical reason seems so much more socially acceptable. There is still too much stigma surrounding mental illness, and you never know how people will react, which is partly why I’m writing this blog.

So I managed along to Costa and I enjoyed being out of the house. I did start to feel really anxious again after about half an hour. I started to get that horrible skin crawling feeling when I can almost feel the adrenaline pulsing through my veins. I knew exercise would help, so I went outside, and just kept walking. I walked for a few miles and it helped me immensely and really lifted my mood all afternoon. I know exercise is the key, but finding the motivation and energy to actually get exercising is difficult.

I have a dentist appointment tomorrow where I will possibly need a filling, and I haven’t decided if I’m going to go yet. Anyone who knows we will know that I used to have a serious dentist phobia, and although I’ve largely conquered it, I’m not sure that kind of pressure is what I need at the moment. I’m going to see how I feel in the morning.

I’m just taking each day at a time, as I never know from one day to the next how I’m going to feel. I think the meds must be kicking in now. I’ve had a few hours of normality today. I’ve laughed, I’ve cried, my mind feels a little clearer. But overshadowing it all is this black cloud that threatens to rain on me at any given moment, and that frightens me so much.