Monday 8th May
I had to phone in sick to work today. My boss asked me if it
was something at work that was bothering me. Other people have asked me similar
questions. Most people don’t understand that nothing is bothering me, and yet somehow,
everything is. I have generalised anxiety disorder, and feel irritated and
agitated not by specific things in my life, but just by life itself.
I haven’t slept properly for a week. I started a new medication
last Tuesday. That night, I literally didn’t sleep a wink. And each night since
hasn’t been much better. Last night I managed four hours, which was a good
night. Insomnia is crippling me but I know it’s caused by the medication for my
anxiety, and that anxiety crippled me more. The medication helped me before and
I know if I can just get some sleep, it will help me again. So it’s a straight
choice between extreme fatigue or major anxiety.
I go back to the doctor. She gives me sleeping pills and
sedatives. I’m signed off work for a week. Deemed ‘unfit’ to do my job. I feel a
bit like a useless junkie, and also feel sad that it’s come to this again.
I go out for a walk at lunchtime with Neil to cash my prescription
and buy some birthday cards. It’s sunny today and being out of the house sometimes
lifts my mood. While we’re out, we grab some lunch, and I almost feel normal
for a while. And then I feel guilty for feeling normal. What if someone from
work sees me and thinks I’m making it up? What if they don’t believe me or
think I’m not ill enough to be off? The anxious feelings return and I start to
feel the horrible feeling of disassociation from my body. My surroundings don’t
feel real. I am in a dreamlike bubble.
My afternoon is better than my morning. Mornings and
evenings are the worst, but the bit in the middle is usually manageable. I do
some hoovering and tidy up. I suddenly notice how shit the house looks. I’d
never let it get this bad when I’m well, but when I’m ill, I don’t have the
energy to function, let alone hoover. I’ve never felt exhaustion like this
before. My brain and body are struggling to cope.
My neighbour appears at the door with flowers, prosecco and
a card. A random act of kindness, and I am an emotional wreck, but incredibly grateful. I vow to pay it forward when I feel well enough to do
something nice for someone else. It’s really lifted my mood and I’m hopeful
that if I can just get a bit more sleep tonight, tomorrow will be a brighter
day.
More tomorrow…
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