Going back to work

So after a rocky few weeks (probably longer if I’m honest,) I finally went back to work last Monday after five weeks off sick. This is the second time I have returned to work after a prolonged period of absence. Last year I was off for seven weeks, with a six week phased return. One of the things that’s been really difficult for me this time, was knowing when it was the right time to go back.

Last year, when I returned to work, I was so ready for it. I just knew it was the right time. I felt so much better within myself and I felt ready to share my story with others. I emailed my colleagues to tell them why I had been off. It was the first time that most of them had realised that I struggled with my mental health. I wanted to be open and honest with them, and I felt confident enough to organise a session for mental health awareness week, where I shared me story and how mindfulness had helped me. I was very frank and didn’t hide any of the gory details.

This time felt different. Being off for a second time had completely shattered my confidence. I tried to get up and go to work one day (I think it was after three weeks off) and I just fell apart. I was shaking, my heart was racing and I had awful chest pain. I wasn’t ready. I was so scared of failing. The anxiety, and the medication to an extent, was making it so difficult to concentrate and I was terrified of making a mistake. Of course I was still catastrophising at this point, so the ‘what if I make a mistake?’ turned in to ‘what if I get demoted, what if get sacked, what if we lose our house, what if Neil leaves me,’ blah blah, you get the picture. I was an anxious mess.

A few weeks ago, I felt the tide turning. I would still wake up anxious every morning, but it would last for less and less time. I decided to make myself a week long timetable to get myself back in to a routine. So I gave myself things to do every day. I went out for walks, I read my mindfulness book, I did some housework, I organised plans for our holiday. Basically I stopped letting myself be good for nothing. And it helped.

Last Monday, I wasn’t 100% sure I was ready to go back but I decided to just give it a go. But this time, I approached it completely differently. I didn’t do the phased return thing. And I didn’t really spend much time talking to people about why I’d been off. I just wanted to get back to some sense of normality. Work is a big part of who I am and I just wanted to be me again. So I walked in to the office last week and I just got on with it. And nothing terrible happened.  

There are days when it all feels a bit much. Days when I wake up and I honestly don’t know if I’ll manage. Days when I’m so tired by the end of the day that I can barely find the energy to wash my face. Days when I do make mistakes! But what I’ve come to realise is that it’s okay to have days like that. In an ideal world, I would be perfect. Everyone would, wouldn’t they? But I’m far from perfect. I am perfectly flawed. And every day I’m getting a little bit closer to accepting that.