What to expect when they're not expecting

It’s National Infertility Awareness week, and I’ve thought long and hard about writing a blog about this. It’s not an easy subject for me to write about and I wasn’t really sure what I wanted to say. So in the end, I just decided to write something that might be useful for anyone trying to support a friend or family member who’s suffering from infertility. Here it is…

Things not to say to someone struggling with infertility:

1.      “Relax and it will happen”

I’m sure I’m not alone in saying that these are the most hated words you can hear. I know that people mean well and especially when the infertility is unexplained (i.e. no medical reason diagnosed) it might seem like a piece of sensible advice. But really, if it were that easy, I’d be at a spa every weekend or meditating on my lunch break. While there may be some truth in these words – stress can impact on fertility – it’s not what anyone wants to hear and the chances are, some yoga is not going to fix the problem!

2.      “There’s a plan for you / if it’s meant to be it will be / everything happens for a reason”

I’ll admit I am a believer in fate. I do try to tell myself that everything happens for a reason. The problem is, when you don’t know what that reason is, it’s incredibly frustrating. And to be honest, knowing that there might well be a plan for me, and that plan may not involve children, is frankly, fucking depressing. And certainly not something I want to be reminded of.  

3.      “There’s always IVF”

Ah, the good old IVF back up. Because that’s what it is, isn’t it? It’s no-one’s first choice to inject themselves with hormones and grow their potential first born in a petri dish. Yes, in theory, we could have IVF. But we don’t want to. I won’t judge anyone that chooses to go down this road, but people need to understand that it’s not for everyone. After years of heartbreak, not everyone has the strength or desire to go through the emotional trauma of a failed IVF cycle (or five!)

4.      “I know how you feel” (when you really don’t)

I’ll let you in on a secret. Trying to conceive is not nearly as much fun it’s made out to be. In fact, it’s pretty bloody stressful. So if it’s taken you a year to get pregnant, I completely understand the strain that will have put on every part of your life.  But it’s just not the same as being infertile. If you ended up with a baby at the end of trying, then you don’t know how I feel. And you never will (unless of course, you are unlucky enough to struggle with secondary infertility later down the line.)

5.        “Think of all the things you can do without kids”

Yes, I have a pretty great life. I go on lots of holidays, minibreaks, trips away etc, and that’s all great fun. But it’s not how I pictured life would be at 31 and certainly not what I want forever to look like. If you moan about not having enough ‘me time,’ sleep, or dates with your husband, then I’m probably going to find it pretty hard to sympathise with that. People who have kids are lucky. I get that being a parent is incredibly hard and you need a break from them sometimes. But a life without children when you really want them is quite different and these small concessions – like sleeping for eight hours or having the money to get your hair done – doesn’t  really make up for that.

So, what should you say?

I don’t mean to come across as bitter, I really don’t. If you have said any of the above things to me at some point, I don’t hate you. I know it’s hard to find the right words and it’s so personal to whoever’s on the receiving end. I’ve come to terms with our infertility now, so am not so sensitive, but someone at the start of their journey might well be. My advice would be to just say ‘that’s really shit, I’m here if you want to talk about it,’ and really mean it. Sometimes I want to talk about it, sometimes I don’t. But if I know you’re here for me no matter what, well, those are the only words I really need to hear.

Dealing with Impostor Syndrome

The last week or so, I’ve been having a serious case of impostor syndrome. You know, when you feel like you’re winging your way through life? I haven’t felt out of my depth exactly, but I have had a lot of self-doubt about my abilities. This probably came about because I started lecturing again last week, something I have been doing periodically for a few years now through my job. This doesn’t come naturally to me, but I force myself to do it because I’ve always been determined that my anxiety will not hold me back in life.

Despite the fact that people tell me I’m doing a good job, I always struggle to believe it. I was terrified that the students would ask me questions I wouldn’t be able to answer. And yet, when the time came, I spoke to them confidently and they seemed satisfied with my answers. It doesn’t feel like that long ago that I was them, and it’s odd to think that they might now be looking up to me. That sort of responsibility is a bit scary if I’m honest.

I’ve always felt this way, but when I was in a more junior position, I believed more experience would improve my confidence. Sadly, the more responsibility I’m given, the less I seem to believe in myself. The more I push myself, the less worthy I feel. The route of my flailing self-perception is complicated but suffering from anxiety certainly doesn’t help.

The sad reality is, suffering from any mental health problem does knock your confidence. Low self-belief is a common symptom of both anxiety and depression. It’s incredibly hard to ignore those voices inside which constantly nag at you, telling you you are not good enough. If you are the kind of person who’s prone to this type of negative thinking, I’m not sure there’s a way to completely change your ways, but I do find that mindfulness has at least helped me notice what a negative thinker I am and try and stop the thoughts in their tracks.

My advice is, when you find the impostor syndrome creeping in, try and focus on your achievements and what you do well. You might need some reassurance from other people, and that’s okay. Look for evidence to dispute your negative thoughts (mine is usually ‘if you were actually shit at your job, you would have been sacked by now!’) You can do anything you want to, but maybe not everything…

How to stay well when you’re stressed (from someone who’s really bad at it!)

I am writing this blog today for two reasons. Reason 1: it’s ‘time to talk’ day tomorrow. This day encourages us to take the opportunity to be more open about our mental health and open up the conversation. Reason 2: As a reminder to myself so I can look back on this when I’m struggling.

Anyone that knows me well will know that January is a difficult month for me. On top of the usual feelings of ‘meh’ that we all feel after the festive period, I also work in a very seasonal industry and January happens to be my busiest month of the year. Usually I thrive on the pressure and it keeps me going (in fact, the two periods of severe anxiety I’ve suffered with in previous years have been in my ‘quiet period’ at work.) But this January, I’ve found myself getting really stressed and it’s been quite difficult to pull myself out of that state at times. Here are some things that you absolutely should do if you’re struggling to cope with stress:

1)      Make time for self-care. I will freely admit I’m terrible at this. (I haven’t shaved my legs in so long, that I could probably pass for a yeti.) Self-care is one of these buzzwords that is thrown around quite a lot these days and I think is often misinterpreted. It doesn’t necessarily mean lying in a candlelit bath for an hour with a glass of wine, although that is a lovely way to spend an evening. It just means managing the little run of the mill tasks like taking your make up off before bed, making sure you have clean clothes and sitting down to a decent meal.

2)      Don’t under estimate the power of exercise. Another piece of advice that I’m useless at following. If the gym is your thing, then great, but I mean just getting out in the fresh air and going for a walk. At the end of a long day at work, most people – me included – just want to get in their pyjamas, crawl in to bed and watch the Crown. But going for just a 20minute stroll always helps me to clear my head and feel a lot more mindful.

3)      Try to remember, that your mental health is the most important thing. I know first-hand that it’s human nature to compare yourself to others. When you’re busy at work, you’re probably looking around at everyone else thinking, ‘am I doing enough?’ But don’t feel guilty about leaving at 5pm. It doesn’t really matter what others are doing – they are not you. You will know your own limits and you have to try and work within those limits to avoid getting ill. You can do anything if you put your mind to it, but not everything!

4)      Know that no matter how shit you are feeling, or how hard you are working, it will pass. Whatever you are stressed about today will probably not be relevant in a week’s time. Most things in life are temporary so know that when you’re having a hard time, it won’t last forever.

I hope future me actually manages to listen to the above advice! I’ll be taking some time with my colleagues tomorrow to get away from my desk and chat about mental health. I hope you all manage to make the time to do the same. To find out more about ‘time to talk day’ and how to get involved, go to https://www.time-to-change.org.uk/get-involved/time-talk-day-2018

A better place

So here we are. It’s 2018 and almost five months since I published a blog. Oops! It’s not that I didn’t want to write, or that I didn’t have anything to say. I had lots to say, and yet I could never really find the right words. You see, there’s a part of my life that I’ve tried to keep private up until now. Something I didn’t feel comfortable talking about. But that ‘thing’ became such a huge deal last year that it clouded all other parts of my little world. I’ve always tried to keep this blog honest and so I made a decision – that if I couldn’t be completely open, I wouldn’t write at all.  

Fast forward half a year and I’m in quite a different place and feel happier to share a little about what’s been going on. A while back, my husband and I made the decision to start a family. It became a big focus in our lives and I would go as a far as saying that it became a bit of an obsession for me. Sadly, although there were many lovely holidays and happy times, I fear I’ll always remember 2017 as ‘the year we couldn’t have a baby.’

I won’t go in to the ins and outs of our infertility, I don’t think you need to know the gory details, but I will say that it’s been a tough time for us.  I have now made peace with the fact that I will probably never carry a child or give birth but it’s taken me a long time to get to that place. Last year, I wrote an article for the Mighty that sums up how I was feeling then – before I accepted our fate and that the path to parenthood may look a little different for us.

https://themighty.com/2017/10/infertility-loneliness/?utm_source=search&utm_medium=site&utm_term=infertility

It’s not an easy read, but I know that it’s an issue that many of us will face in our lifetime (12% of us sadly) and so if you’re suffering too, I just wanted to say that ‘I know.’ I’ve felt the loneliness. I hope you will find your peace, just as I have found mine. 

Mindful walking

Yesterday I woke up feeling tired and irritable. It’s nothing new: I’m not sleeping well and often feel that way first thing. The last few weeks I’ve also felt very down and although I’ve been practicing mindfulness for some time now, I don’t often remember to actually do it. Or by the time I really need it, I’m not in much of a mood to do anything! So I decided yesterday to walk mindfully to the train station. I live about a mile from the station and have about a twenty minute walk each morning. Normally, I listen to the Radio or Spotify or a podcast. Yesterday, I did none of those things.

My mindfulness teacher often talks about mindful walking, but I’ve never really done it before. I’m always in a rush to get somewhere, or when I do go out just for the joy of walking, I’m usually with my husband. So yesterday morning I set off on a quest – to pay attention on purpose to everything. I waited until I crossed the main road at the end of my street (because no one wants to get mindfully run over) and then put on my mindfulness hat.

I noticed the air against my face. It was a crisp morning and every so often I felt a small gust of cold wind against my skin. For just a second, and then it was gone. I noticed the way my feet felt against the ground and the ‘clip clop’ of my shoes as they touched down on the pavement. I noticed the way my body moved, and felt gratitude towards my legs for supporting me. I noticed my thoughts come and go. I noticed the way that I felt and accepted those feelings.

After a while, my mind was no longer full of the ‘what if’s and ‘why not’s. Instead it was focused on the scenery around me. I’d never known the name of the streets I wandered down every day – now I paid attention to the street signs. What I once thought was an just an ugly grey terrace, in fact, housed a beautiful red leafed tree. In fact, two trees (there once had been three, but now only two and a stump.) Birds rustled in the bushes; a cat crossed my path (let’s be honest, I’d have noticed the cat on any given day, but this time I didn’t pounce on it and try and make friends, I just appreciated its beautiful soft fur and walked on by.)

By the time I arrived at the station, twenty minutes later, I felt happy. I felt free. Free of the worries that had haunted me for weeks. Free of the anxiety that had caused my chest tightness only an hour before. I hadn’t missed the radio. I certainly hadn’t missed the thoughts. And for the rest of the morning, I felt relaxed. It didn’t last of course. Mindfulness is not a miracle cure. It can’t bring you good health or wealth. But it can bring you contentment, even if only for a little while. 

Why I’m quitting Slimming World

I’m generally not a quitter. I persevered with my tax exams (despite failing one twice) even though I hated every minute of studying. I spent 2 days teaching my cat to do a high five. It took a lot of treats and patience but we got there in the end! But I know when something is just not worth pursuing and this week, I finally decided to give up on Slimming World. Here’s why…

One - Weighing in every week was depressing me.

It started off okay. I was losing consistently every week until week 15, when I gained half a pound. Now I know half a pound is nothing, and by that point I had lost well over a stone, but it bloody hurt seeing that gain on the scales. Since then, my weight has yo-yoed a lot and although the overall trend is down, the constant ups and down made me feel like I had failed.

I started experimenting by weighing myself mid-week and then eventually, weighing myself every single day. What I found is that my weight fluctuates a hell of a lot from day to day. On any given week, I had probably lost at least a pound of fat, but on that particular day when I was weighing in, the scales might not have been reflecting that. I could have had a salty meal the night before so was holding on to water, it could be because of hormonal fluctuations, it could simply be because I hadn’t been to the loo (sorry for TMI!) The point is, weighing yourself on a particular day is a bit like rolling a dice. Sometimes it will be accurate and sometimes it won’t. On the weeks that it is, you feel great. But on the weeks where you know that you stuck to plan and didn’t lose, it’s just demoralising. And for an anxious person like me, it was just playing on my mind far too much.

Two – There are aspects of this diet that just don’t sit right with me.

While there are things about slimming world I love, there are aspects of the plan that just seem, frankly, bizarre. Let’s take avocados. I bloody love avocados and guacamole, but I haven’t eaten any in over six months! Why? Well because an avocado has 14 syns. You are only supposed to have between 5-15 syns a day, so fitting an avocado in to the diet, while not impossible, is pretty difficult. The thing is, avocados have so much goodness in them. They’re incredibly nutritious and they’re loaded with heart healthy fats, fibre and potassium. But on Slimming World, none of that matters. Syns say no.

Another strange example is Mugshots. Now, I won’t lie, I am partial to a cheeky sweet and sour Mugshot. These things have over 200 calories. But as they’re ‘free’ on the plan, I can have technically have as many as I like. Two Mugshots, calorie wise, is roughly equivalent to an avocado. But on Slimming World, that doesn’t matter! Call me cynical, but I suspect that has a lot to do with brand affiliation. (Muller Lights crop up so many times in their recipes that you’d think they’re a super food.) Which leads me to my next point…

Three – Slimming World teaches you feck all about nutrition

Now Slimming World has taught me a lot of things and has encouraged a lot of good habits. For example, filling your plate with 1/3^rd speed food has encouraged me to revamp my portion sizes. I’m eating a lot more fruit and veg, and a lot less carbs and sugar. That can only be a good thing. But what it’s not taught me, is anything about what my body needs to be healthy.

On Slimming World, calories are a dirty word. But let’s face it – try as many diets as you like, it all comes back to calories. Less calories in than out = calorie deficit = weight loss. And actually, that’s what the Slimming World diet is based upon, even though no one at head office is going to admit it. For a lot of people starting out on Slimming World, they will naturally consume less calories than they were eating before. Probably a lot less calories. And that’s because their diets (and I’m including myself in this generalisation!) were shit. Going from a high fat, high sugar diet to a fairly low sugar, virtually fat free diet means that you will obviously be consuming a lot less calories than before. But wait a minute…as you lose more weight, the amount of calories your body needs to survive will decrease. But you’re following the same plan so consuming roughly the same amount of calories. So that will result in your calorie deficit becoming a lot smaller (resulting in smaller losses,) or you becoming calorie neutral (therefore maintaining your weight.) Maybe some weeks when you’ve eaten a shitload of Muller Lights, you might even gain! You cannot get away from the fact that a calorie deficit diet is the only way to lose fat.

[Four – bonus reason – Frylight ruined my pans!]

So what am I doing now?

You’ve probably guessed it. I’m counting calories. I’ve bought a Fitbit, I’m recording everything I eat on Myfitnesspal, and I’m making sure I eat less calories than I burn off. Okay, it’s a bit more hassle and yes, I have to weigh out food and spend a few minutes a day logging everything I eat, but it’s making me learn about nutrition and I feel so much more in control than I ever did on Slimming World.

I’m not saying Slimming World’s a terrible diet. It’s helped me lose around 2 stone, and for a lot of people, it’s a great starter diet. I cook differently now and will continue to use some of their recipes. I discovered overnight oats, which I love, and I’ll never buy a jar of pasta or curry sauce ever again. But to get over this plateau, I need to do more. So the weight loss journey will continue - I’m not quitting, but you won’t see many more #sw posts from me. #thanksswandgoodbye.

Battling my obsessions

I think it’s fair to say most people who suffer from anxiety have obsessive thoughts from time to time. When I was really ill, my obsessive thoughts would centre on bad things happening. I couldn’t shake the horrible feeling of foreboding and so I would feed these feelings by thinking of all the bad things that might happen and convincing myself that these thoughts and fears were real. I’m sure that sort of experience is pretty standard.

However, something else I am bad for, and I’m not sure how common this is, is having fleeting obsessions generally. This can be anything from a specific person (hello, Jamie Dornan!) to a place or even a time in history.

To give you an example, I once spent pretty much a whole weekend researching Alton Towers. I was on the website, I was reading threads on forums about upcoming attractions and watching you tube videos. I had no plans to visit Alton Towers. In fact, the one time I did go there, and my friends can attest to this, I didn’t really like it (because I’m a wimp and don’t like rollercoasters that much.) So why did I waste all that time reading about it? I don’t have an answer. But for those few days, it became an obsession of mine that I couldn’t shift.

A lot of these obsessions are harmless (apart from totally wasting my time,) but some of them can be quite damaging. A few months ago, I became obsessed with cleaning. I have always liked keeping the house clean, and it had become a Saturday morning ritual of ours. But before long, the Saturday morning had turned in to Saturday morning and afternoon and I was literally on my hands and knees picking up individual specks of dust. My husband (who is awesome and does his fair share around the house himself) recognised that this had gone beyond just wanting the house to be clean. The pleasure I got from seeing the house immaculate had turned into anxiety because I could never get it quite clean enough. I was upset and in tears at times because I was scared the house was dirty and I worried so much about people coming over and thinking we were unclean. So we hired a cleaner. It was a huge step for me but it has stopped me obsessing as much and I know it was something we had to do to help my mental health.

I’m now learning to understand the boundaries of what is okay and what is obsessive behaviour. I might still lie in bed at 1am reading about rabbits, but I’ll know when to pull the plug. Looking at cute pictures – okay. Looking at the pets at home website, listing everything I would buy for a pet rabbit – not okay. (And yes, I have done this!)

I’d be interested to know if anyone else has these mini obsessions, or whether I am just a very strange creature! Thanks for reading x