I’m always really nostalgic at this time of year. I’m not
sure why. A New Year normally connotes a fresh start, but if you have an anxious
mind, like me, you’ll know that you spent a large part of your life living in
the past (more on this later.) So I started writing a sort of ‘round up’ of the
year but decided against it for two reasons. One, my life hasn’t been
interesting enough to justify this and two, let’s face it, 2016 was a pretty shifty
year for everyone. So instead of documenting my year, I’m just going to write a
little about my mental health journey over the past year.
2016 should have been the best year of my life. I started
the year having just moved in to my new house a few months before and was
generally loving life. I work in personal tax so January is always pretty
hectic and I’d changed my contract at work, meaning I’d worked 48 hour weeks
since the previous May. Normally, I’d have some time off in February but last
year I went straight in to a secondment which involved some travel to London. I
was coping okay but then one Thursday night, I missed my flight home and I
think it was all just a bit too much. That Sunday I completely crashed,
resulting in an anxiety episode which lasted for months and an eight week
absence from work, followed by a six week phased return. It was the shittiest
time and there were so many low points during those few months where I worried
I’d never recover.
But recover I did, as much as you can when you suffer from
anxiety and panic attacks. As I’ve said in previous blogs, you never fully
recover from a mental illness. It’s something you have to life with any manage
forever. But I do feel like I’m going into 2017 feeling stronger, happier and armed
with the tools to manage my mental health.
I’ve talked about mindfulness a lot in my blogs and I go to
a mindfulness class run by an amazing man called Martin Stepek (look him up.)
He often talks about compassion. He believes that in cultivating awareness, we
can increase our empathy and compassion for others and ourselves and in turn,
this will lead to a happier and more fulfilling life. This is one thing I consistently
struggle with, especially at this time of year when I’m feeling reflective.
You see, there is a fine line between compassion and guilt.
Those who don’t know much about anxiety may not know that some of the symptoms
can make you a pretty difficult person to be around. In the past, I have
suffered with major irritability, mood swings and some generally crazy
behaviour, which other people have had to bear the brunt of. This is something that
I feel incredibly guilty about and mindfulness seems to amplify these feelings
of guilt (even more so at New Year) to a degree that I don’t necessarily want
to feel.
This is something I want to work on in 2017 because no one
wants to live in the past. The what ifs and the whys won’t change what has been
and the guilt won’t make it better. So my goal for the year to come is to strengthen
my skill of compassion to enable me to move on positively with life and enjoy
the here and now. And maybe help others along the way.
If you’re reading
this, then I wish you all a very mindful 2017 and hope that you can find the
time to appreciate the good in everyday.
